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Coach Beth Book Recommendations

Fair Play, a must read.

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Let’s be honest. If you’ve been on social media at all since Christmas, it’s filled with memes and jokes about Moms/women not knowing what day it is, feeling exhausted from the holidays, just DONE. 

Much of the work that I do as a coach revolves around helping my clients to do their own internal work. Assessing and shifting thoughts, beliefs, habits and actions. Here’s the thing, while internal work is important, we also have to take into account the big picture of the environment that we live in. 

You can do all of the work in the world on yourself… and if your circumstances dictate that you are unbalanced in the responsibilities that you carry in your marriage or partnership, well, then – you can only get so far. 

You’ve probably heard some of these terms. Mental load, second shift, emotional labor, invisible work. All terms that try to describe the work that you do outside of your paid career (I’m including stay at home Moms). Things that cause the middle of the night panic, all of the school forms, doctors appointments, social schedules, bills, household maintenance, lets add in holiday planning, gift purchasing, decorating and on, and on, and on. 

In her book “Fair Play” Eve Rodsky validates all of this unseen labor and pulls back the layers on the many ways that it takes a toll on our lives. 

Eve’s evaluation is not a blame game. Regardless of if you have a super supportive and helpful partner or spouse, same-sex or heterosexual relationship, you still have likely fallen into a pattern that is unbalanced and leaving each of you in a place of unawareness, not fully understanding the responsibilities of the other. 

What does Eve suggest? She brilliantly uses her experience as a lawyer, wife and mother to evaluate everything, and I mean EVERYTHING as a process. 

The reason why we say, “it’s just easier to do it myself” is because each task is more than just a task. What Eve highlights is that each task is made up of three parts: conception, planning and execution. And it often is easier to just do the execution part yourself when you’ve already taken care of the conception and planning. (You’re not wrong).

In “Fair Play” Eve evaluates all of the family responsibilities and shows you how to structure conversations (on the regular) with your spouse/partner. She even ensures that you set ground rules/expectations (she calls it Minimum Standards of Care) for what needs to happen around each task.

This book is a game changer.

We all fall into patterns. The beautiful thing about Eves’ recommendations – is not that you have to try to make everything 50/50… that’s not the goal. Instead it provides the language and the framework for having these challenging conversations in a nuanced way with the love of your life. 

Eve’s book will help you take a discerning look at the everyday habits of your relationship and then decide as a couple how you’d like to shift those responsibilities until you decide to re-balance again. (See earlier reference to regular conversations).

If you’re interested in ordering – I’ll link to a few of my favorite Iowa City bookstores – Sidekick Coffee and Books and Prairie Lights. Enjoy!

Looking for more support around having these kinds of conversations? I can help! You and your relationships require regular care and maintenance. How often are you falling back on old habits or working on autopilot? Contact me if you’d like more information about my next program.

Coach Beth Iowa City It's Time to Flip the Script

It’s Time to Flip the Script

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It’s time to flip the script, friends. Negative self-talk, body shaming and food shaming is bad for you and everyone else around you. 

Are you talkin’ to me?

This is a message to parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and family. If you can’t do this work for yourself please consider doing it for someone else. There is likely a child, teen or another person in your life who is suffering from body shame right now. Consider your daily inner body and food critic. Now think about that same critic while using those same words towards your children and grandchildren, friends and colleagues. Ouch. 

It is not enough for you to tell those around you one thing (love and respect your body) while you say and do the opposite with your own. They notice how you call yourself fat or ugly and then internalize that these two things are synonymous. They watch as you restrict food or shame yourself when you “overeat.” They pay attention when you obsess over every calorie consumed and every pound lost or gained. 

In the last week alone I have had conversations with 5 separate people on 5 occasions – hearing about their children/teens suffering with body shame and disordered eating. It is devastating. The good news is that we have an opportunity to support and teach them in leading by example. 

Where do we start?

It can feel really overwhelming. Where do you even begin? I’ve got a few recommendations. Before proceeding, I want you to promise yourself to practice curiosity and compassion (no judgment, shame or guilt)

Start with self awareness. Notice every single time that you are critical of your body or make comments (in your head or out loud) about your food choices. Then start to make a change for yourself. For every critical/negative thought or comment make three positive or respectful comments about your body and/or food choices.

Notice your relationship with food. Bring in your curious anthropologist to observe your behavior. Are you mindful when eating (for the most part)? Are you eating while doing 10 other things? Are you really enjoying your food? Are you trying to ignore the hunger cues and pushing through your busy work day in an effort to curb calories?

Notice with curiosity, not judgment. Real life example: Right before sitting down to write this I was literally sitting at my computer, searching for online files, doing a virtual chat with an online credit card assistant while listening with earbuds to a zoom webinar and eating kettle corn. DON’T JUDGE. There’s a lot for my anthropologist to make note of!

You’ve got this!

This is where we begin. We start small and we start with ourselves. Email me to tell me about what you’ve noticed this week. I want to hear about your wins and your challenges. Next week we’ll explore next steps that you can use. You have an opportunity to be the change for yourself and for others around you. I’m gonna help you get there!

XOXO,

Coach Beth

Anticipating Unwanted Comments

Anticipating and Responding to Unwanted Comments

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Most of us are happy to be able to gather with family and friends this year, and also there is an anticipation and anxiety around unwanted, unrequested and inappropriate comments. Comments about your looks, your body, your food choices.

While we can’t control what others say to us, we do have control over how we choose to respond. There is no right or wrong way – it’s really based on what feels right for you.

First let’s talk about your response to the person who is making  the unwanted comment.

  • You may choose to ignore the comment and meet them with a blank stare (this can be a great tool for making them realize their mistake without you having to say a word).
  • You may choose to walk away without addressing the comment.
  • You may be more direct in acknowledging their comment and setting boundaries.
  • If the person continues, especially if they defend their comment as being “concerned about your health” you have the right to reinforce your boundaries or walk away.
  • You are the ONLY person who knows your hunger, fullness and satisfaction levels. You can choose to eat if you are hungry, and you can choose to eat if you’re full. Either way, it is your choice.

Next let’s talk about your own emotional response to their comments.

  • If you can, take a minute to write down or think about some of the hurtful comments that have been made to you. Take some time to acknowledge the pain, anxiety or any other feeling that came up as a result of the comments.
  • What was your response in the past? Did you tend to rebel and eat more out of anger and resentment? Did you set a boundary that worked for you? Was it all that you could do to just leave the situation?
  • Take a minute to think about how you would like to respond if/when this happens again. How do you want to feel?

I know that this is hard to think about and even harder to do. It may be worth writing out a letter – especially if there is one person who constantly makes inappropriate and unwanted comments. As you consider how you want to handle this, I have no doubt that you will come up with your own best way to set boundaries for yourself and in turn teach others how to do so for themselves. You don’t have to be bullied. You can trust yourself to make your own best choices around your food and your body. You’ve got this.

With Gratitude,
Coach Beth

On Fire

It’s Getting Hot In Here

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Let’s talk menopause and perimenopause. It’s a hot topic (I KNOW, I couldn’t refuse). And it’s waaaay more than just hot flashes. 

I am not an expert on this. This is me sharing my experience, and inviting you to take a compassionate look at what may be happening within your body. If you are in your mid to late 40’s or early 50’s you may be starting to experience some things that feel “off” to you. My hope is that once you start to identify these things as a normal change, you’ll be able to better listen to your body and stop trying to fight it. 

For me, this started a few years ago. I found myself feeling like my body was literally rebelling against me and I had no idea why. It turns out that I was experiencing all sorts of common symptoms related to perimenopause. I went from everything going swimmingly, not taking any medication to holy shit, what in the hell is happening?! 

All of these things can be related to peri-menopause. I am certain that I didn’t learn about this in nursing school and I also know that I didn’t get the rundown of what to expect when I first started asking my doctor about this. Here’s a short list of what you might expect:

Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia (hello 3 am wake-up for no apparent reason), constipation, urinary urgency, urinary leakage when sneezing or coughing (as a woman who has never given birth I could NOT figure out why this was happening to me), constipation (I would have loved a heads up on this one), mood swings (let’s talk about rage – oof), fatigue, lower sex drive, vaginal dryness or discomfort during sex, oh and did I mention hot flashes and night sweats – like soak through all of your clothes, have to change your sheets kind of night sweats. I’m going to go ahead and add joint mobility issues – which I can’t find much data on but am pretty sure are related to all of these changes. And the big one that everyone fights – weight gain. 

This is not intended to be an exhaustive list – and every person’s experience is different. You may experience some, none or all of these things. Also note that they generally come at a time when you’re at the height of your professional career (or at least IN it), you may have snarky and moody teens and your parents may be aging and needing more support. So if you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated please remember that you have every right to feel that way!

What can you do?

  • Seek out professional guidance from your healthcare provider. Advocate for yourself until you find something that works. There are prescription and over the counter medications that can help alleviate many of these symptoms.
  • Listen to your body. If you were up all night you likely need more sleep. Take the sleep. Other things can wait. 
  • Wear layers during the day and invest in a ceiling fan above your bed. Ok the ceiling fan is optional but super helpful.
  • If you can afford it, buy clothes that fit your right-now-body better. Find things that you feel comfortable in and stop trying to squeeze your body into clothes that don’t fit and aren’t comfortable. 
  • Take it easy on yourself. Find things that bring you a little peace and joy and see if you can figure out a way to sprinkle them into your daily life.
  • Read, listen to podcasts and talk to friends! This blog post was brought to you by my book club recommendation ‘What Fresh Hell Is This?’ by Heather Corinna Click here for the Amazon link. I also have been listening to “The Midlife Feast” podcast Click here for a link to the Podcast homepage which addresses all things menopause/perimenopause with the host who is also an Intuitive Eating Counselor. 

Be kind to yourself, adjust routines and treatments as needed. Share this and other information with your friends and remind them that they are normal and there are treatments for many of these new and unpleasant symptoms. 

All my sweaty, moody best – XOXO,

Coach Beth

Weight Neutral Health Care

Weight Neutral Healthcare

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You have the right to healthcare without being shamed regardless of your body shape, size or weight.

Have you ever had the experience of going to your doctor with a health concern and then instead of addressing the health concern that you’re there to address, the health care professional confronts you about your weight? If this has happened to you, you are not alone. You may have believed that this was acceptable, that you were to blame, that you needed the prodding to lose weight. Wrongola. Not true. It’s what you have been led to believe via diet culture and the weight bias that is built into our health care. ASDAH (Association for Size Diversity and Health) explains this well, “health exists on a continuum that varies with time and circumstance for each individual. Health should be conceived as a resource or capacity available to all regardless of health condition or ability level, and not as an outcome or objective of living.” I invite you to read more about this on their website. https://asdah.org/health-at-every-size-haes-approach/ Additionally, if you’d like to learn more about weight neutral approach to various chronic diseases, check out these HAES Health Sheets https://haeshealthsheets.com/the-health-sheet-library/

How many of you have neglected going to the doctor because you didn’t want to be shamed about your weight? I’m sorry to say that I have heard this many times from my clients. It doesn’t have to be this way. You have the right to receive care wherever you are on the health continuum and regardless of your weight. You have the right to ask to not be weighed and to have health care goals that are not based around weight or weight loss. Take a look at these printable resources to take to your next appointment https://haeshealthsheets.com/resources/

Research supports health goals that are not weight based to improve your health. This can be things like improving sleep, spending time in nature, taking steps to decrease your stress. This type of care is based on the principle of Health at Every Size (or HAES) https://asdah.org/health-at-every-size-haes-approach/ 

To everyone out there who has lived this, I am so sorry that you’ve had to experience this. Your worth is not dependent on your weight. I will continue to advocate for you – to connect you with HAES aligned providers and to push back, educate and work to reform the healthcare system to a weight neutral system.

If you have questions or want to talk more about this, please reach out! Send me an email, contact me via my website. You are worth it. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to work with so many awesome clients. Hoping that this brings you support and/or something to think about in a way that might be new for you. Here are some additional resources:

Books:

‘Anti-Diet’ by Christy Harrison

‘The Obesity Paradox’ by Carl Lavie and Kristin Loberg

‘Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fatphobia’ by Sabrina Strings

‘Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight’ by Lindo Bacon 

Podcasts:

The Eatfluencer Podcast

The Midlife Feast

What the Actual Fork

Food Psych 

Maintenance Phase

 

XOXO,

Coach Beth