self care

Let’s be honest. If you’ve been on social media at all since Christmas, it’s filled with memes and jokes about Moms/women not knowing what day it is, feeling exhausted from the holidays, just DONE. 

Much of the work that I do as a coach revolves around helping my clients to do their own internal work. Assessing and shifting thoughts, beliefs, habits and actions. Here’s the thing, while internal work is important, we also have to take into account the big picture of the environment that we live in. 

You can do all of the work in the world on yourself… and if your circumstances dictate that you are unbalanced in the responsibilities that you carry in your marriage or partnership, well, then – you can only get so far. 

You’ve probably heard some of these terms. Mental load, second shift, emotional labor, invisible work. All terms that try to describe the work that you do outside of your paid career (I’m including stay at home Moms). Things that cause the middle of the night panic, all of the school forms, doctors appointments, social schedules, bills, household maintenance, lets add in holiday planning, gift purchasing, decorating and on, and on, and on. 

In her book “Fair Play” Eve Rodsky validates all of this unseen labor and pulls back the layers on the many ways that it takes a toll on our lives. 

Eve’s evaluation is not a blame game. Regardless of if you have a super supportive and helpful partner or spouse, same-sex or heterosexual relationship, you still have likely fallen into a pattern that is unbalanced and leaving each of you in a place of unawareness, not fully understanding the responsibilities of the other. 

What does Eve suggest? She brilliantly uses her experience as a lawyer, wife and mother to evaluate everything, and I mean EVERYTHING as a process. 

The reason why we say, “it’s just easier to do it myself” is because each task is more than just a task. What Eve highlights is that each task is made up of three parts: conception, planning and execution. And it often is easier to just do the execution part yourself when you’ve already taken care of the conception and planning. (You’re not wrong).

In “Fair Play” Eve evaluates all of the family responsibilities and shows you how to structure conversations (on the regular) with your spouse/partner. She even ensures that you set ground rules/expectations (she calls it Minimum Standards of Care) for what needs to happen around each task.

This book is a game changer.

We all fall into patterns. The beautiful thing about Eves’ recommendations – is not that you have to try to make everything 50/50… that’s not the goal. Instead it provides the language and the framework for having these challenging conversations in a nuanced way with the love of your life. 

Eve’s book will help you take a discerning look at the everyday habits of your relationship and then decide as a couple how you’d like to shift those responsibilities until you decide to re-balance again. (See earlier reference to regular conversations).

If you’re interested in ordering – I’ll link to a few of my favorite Iowa City bookstores – Sidekick Coffee and Books and Prairie Lights. Enjoy!

Looking for more support around having these kinds of conversations? I can help! You and your relationships require regular care and maintenance. How often are you falling back on old habits or working on autopilot? Contact me if you’d like more information about my next program.